The End is Nigh: Don’t Pollute, Just Shoot - Sample Essay

Sea levels are indisputably rising. The city of Miami, Florida is flooding more and more often and and flooding has even been predicted to become a weekly event in due time.1 While communities in such coastal cities are built to withstand flooding to some degree, as sea levels continually rise higher and higher, more and more problems will arise, as people are forced from their homes and become climate refugees. As according to the Climate Science Special Report, Chapter 12 on Sea Level, “it is virtually certain that sea level rise this century and beyond will pose a growing challenge to coastal communities, infrastructure, and ecosystems from increased (permanent) inundation, more frequent and extreme coastal flooding.” With sea levels rising, the majority of such coastal cities will be rendered uninhabitable; and soon Miami will be considered akin to Atlantis.

Oceans are rising, and so are the temperatures. Atmospheric carbon levels have far exceeded pre-industrial levels, and until the early-middle twentieth century, have not exceeded 300 parts per million. Today, there is 400 parts per million of carbon.2 Atmospheric carbon forms what is essentially a blanket- trapping in heat from the earth, causing temperatures to rise- and creating a greenhouse effect. Carbon dioxide emissions from factories and cars are a large contributor to atmospheric carbon, but CO2 isn’t the worst greenhouse gas; methane is by far the dastardliest. On average, it has been found that methane is roughly 30 times more potent than carbon dioxide- methane is 30 times worse than carbon dioxide.3 Methane is produced by cows and other livestock raised to slaughter in the U.S., but a larger and more important cache of methane is trapped in permafrost. Permafrost is ground that is frozen year round- and contains organic material that gets converted to methane gas when broken down by bacteria. This process is prominent in the artic, as much of the artic is wetland, the prime breeding ground to methane emissions.4 As methane is released from melting permafrost due to global warming, methane goes into the atmosphere and further contributes to the blanket effect and increasing the effects of global climate change. As artic climates get warmer due to excess methane in the atmosphere, more permafrost melts, and even more methane to be released, and the continues. This is what is called a positive feedback loop. This positive feedback loop cannot be broken either- artic temperatures have risen and methane has been released from the permafrost it was trapped in, there is no stopping it.

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In addition to the undeniable, unstoppable force of global climate change, the human race has managed to ruin the earth in another way- with fascism. Fascism is the prime example of why we can’t have nice things. Originally pioneered by Benito Mussolini, fascism is a far-right form of authoritarian, nationalistic government that relies on the suppression of dissidence. Mussolini rose to power in 1922, and from there creating the first fascist state- a state that Hitler would soon look up to.5 WWII was largely, at its core, a struggle against violent, alt-right fascism. When fascism was defeated, and Mussolini was executed in 1945 and hung in a public square, it seemed, for a brief time, that the world would be able to co-exist, free of the desperate grasp of nationalist extremism. But alas, that dream was not the case. In recent times, there has been a troubling rise of far-right extremism and nationalist attitudes, at the same time as globalization continues to bring the world closer together. In the 2018 general election in Italy, while no party won an overall majority, the Five Star Movement took the largest portion, with one-third of the total vote. The Five Star Movement is a populist, Eurosceptic, alt-right party, and with them as a prominent power in Italy, it is needless to say that the EU is concerned.6 This is undoubtedly troubling, as having a fascist party in the country where fascism first rose, shows that fascism is alive and well- it may have been dormant after WWII, but the form of government has made a resurgence back into international news. With current global tensions and the increasingly common occurrence of far-right parties becoming significant forces in government, the conditions are ripe for another world war, inevitably with nuclear weapons.

In this world of chaos and bloodshed, it is easy to become forlorn and hopeless, overwhelmed with the seemingly unsolvable problems of the modern day. It is easy to envision the future as that of one described in George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. It is easy to conclude that everything is awful. However, I have a rather modest proposal.

To solve any problem, one must first address the root of such problems; and the root of all the world’s current problems is humanity. Once the root of the problem has been uncovered, that problem must be eradicated; thus, humanity must be eradicated. At first, the proposition sounds like a daunting and cruel task. On the contrary, however, my final solution can be broken down into a simple five-year plan or two, and this is in fact not cruel nor is my policy discriminatory in any sense of the word. You see, it’s not discrimination if you kill everyone.

My proposal is nothing like Hitler’s “Final Solution;” Hitler wanted to kill Jews, and other minority groups because he was a bigot, whereas I want to kill everyone because I’m practical. Ethnic Cleansing is mass murder against a group of people, targeted specifically for their ethnicity. As one of the most egregious crimes against humanity, it’s widely looked down upon and is usually carried out by brutal dictators. The ethnic cleansing campaign that occurred during the Bosnian Serbian war specifically aimed to kill Bosnian men and boys, by brainwashing Serbs. This was awful. However, what I’m proposing is not ethnic cleansing in the slightest- I am not targeting a specific group of persons based on some archaic bigotry. I do not aim to kill a large group of people because I think that another group is better. I do not agree with the ideals of brutal dictators. I wholeheartedly disagree with ethnic cleansing, and my plan will stop such an atrocious crime from ever happening again. It should also be noted, that during the carrying out of my proposal, I personally will not be the one spearheading the campaign. Rather, I will be one of the first to die, leading people to volunteer to help save the environment. That being in mind, being that I’m not biased towards one group and that I will happily be killed, allow me to present the solution to literally all our problems.

The first part of carrying out the first five-year plan is to appoint figureheads to solve humanity. Many rational people, on the first impulse, will naturally disagree, and their underlying moral compass may compromise the plan. Therefore, a collection of white male CEOs will be paid a sizeable sum of money, to systematically dispose of humanity. They will be paid five dollars to shoot their wives that they’ve most likely cheated on with a myriad of mistresses (these people are CEOs of large companies after all). Once a collective is established, the manufacturing of instruments of the future will begin.

While creating a myriad of Euthanasia Coasters7 at first seems like an inciting option, it would quickly become impractical, and the massive structures would eventually have to be disposed of as well. Therefore, the best option is firing squads- the United States already has plenty of high-powered rifles, and a lead-free bullet costs less than 32 cents to manufacture.8 & 9 This cost could be reduced if all manufacturing of other goods are stopped, and all manufacturing is focused on churning out as many bullets as humanly possible. Simultaneously, factories will be fitted so that the Carbon Dioxide and other pollutants are pumped back into the factory building. This will not only stop factories from releasing pollutants into the atmosphere, it also easily gets rid of many workers, who can then be replaced within a matter of hours.

Radical members of the NRA are always willing to shoot anything that moves, so they will be recruited and used to carry out the firing squad, then millennials will be given (unpaid) internships to pick up the bullets for use again, further reducing the cost of a single bullet.

Factories and power plants will be decommissioned by their owners, and as the last project by NASA, the world’s nuclear bombs, missiles, and waste will be launched into the sun to be incinerated. All the collective human knowledge will be written down and stored in multiple places across the world including, but not limited to, existing global seed vaults, specially created bunkers, and a cornfield in Ohio.

This process I estimate will take a total of about four years- four years in which the world will be begone of humans- aside from the collective of white businessmen, as well as some Africa tribes and the Sentinelese tribe,10 who can stay because they aren’t hurting the environment. The white men of course, still are- but they will soon die off, and are unable to reproduce.

Naturally, as in any plan, delays can very easily occur, in which case another five-year plan would be necessary, but the monetary greed of the classic white man should not be underestimated, nor can it be overestimated. Once the collective has rid the plant of other humans, they will be allowed to live out the rest of their days on earth. However, this will likely not be long due to their age (once most people have reached the position of CEO of a Fortune 500 company, they’re quite late in their years), plus the fact that without any doctors or specialists of any kind, the remaining few humans will be incapable of surviving long, and it is likely the world will be rid of the human virus in less than twenty years.

Now, please allow me to explain how this would solve all the world’s problems, including every problem, no matter how small, of persons living in the developed and undeveloped* world. Think about all the high schoolers, worried about their inevitable breakup with whoever their dating when they graduate- that would be a problem not longer. Think about all the struggling people living pay check to pay check- that would be a problem no longer. Think about the people in underdeveloped countries ravaged by poverty and disease- that would be a problem no longer. Once you and all you friends and family are dead, nothing matters!

My solution would, of course, solve all human pollution, as there will be no humans capable of significant pollution whatsoever. Additionally, this will forever put an end to fascism, and should have bipartisan support- opposing parties will take comfort in knowing that their rival party finally got shut up. This also solves the ever-present plague upon humanity of genocide- because you can’t commit genocide if there are no people to commit genocide on.

I believe this plan is foolproof and will be met with bipartisan support; the extreme condition of the environment requires matching action, and someone needs to take initiative to step up and save the planet.

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