Long Sentences That Bear Editing - Sample Essay

In preparation for the development of the marketing campaign for the Spring/Summer 2005 line, I would like to provide you with an overview of the orders we have placed for delivery in February 2005 to coincide with “Spring Break” purchases which have traditionally provided a significant portion of our annual sales, second only to our “Back to School” events in the Fall, although these events may not be as successful this year. REVISED SENTENCE: Our “Back to School” events in the fall and “Spring Break” in February traditionally provided a significant portion of our annual sales.

Although odds are that these events may not be as successful this year, we ought to buck the trend by planning even stronger marketing campaigns. Since Spring Break is the launching pad for the Spring/Summer campaign, we have already placed orders for that key event. I shall now give you an overview of those orders. EXPLANATION 1. The conditional clause expressing reservation about peak-month sales events is misplaced at the end of the paragraph.

It should start the paragraph since it sets the stage, affirming adverse expectations but proposing to buck the trend by working harder on product development. 2. We can condense the two peak sales cycles into one simpler statement since it matters not which one is first or second. As long as they are both important, we justify the extra marketing effort. 3. The link between “may not be as successful this year” and “preparation for the Spring/Summer 2005 line” is missing. That absence begs the question, “If prospects are not good, why bother?

” 4. Perhaps, there is a need to reiterate why we need to get off to a good start in Spring and Summer with the “spring Break” event. B) Example 2 ORIGINAL SENTENCE There are a wide variety of styles to choose from: sandals, mules, flipflops, stilettos, platforms, and boots and this will be an exciting season for us, especially considering the disappointment of last year, something for everyone. REVISED SENTENCES Compared to the disappointing year we just had, this promises to be an exciting season.

There will be something for everyone. There will be a wide variety of styles to choose form: sandals, mules, flipflops, stilettos, platforms, and boots. EXPLANATION It may be grammatically correct but the contrast from “disappointing” to “exciting” packs more punch as revised. The thematic fragment “something for everyone” is the general statement that then needs to be followed by the specifics of the product line. Passive: A meeting has been scheduled for us on Tuesday, November 8 to review the Spring/Summer line by us.

Allow me to thank you, first of all, for your interest in Earth’s Voyages and our Frequent Flyer Program (FFP). I agree with you that FFP will save you a great deal of money while letting you accumulate points for a variety of tour and travel packages with us. To get you started on amassing those points as soon as possible, I enclose your personal FFP card and a brochure that lists all the benefits and discounts you get. Do browse this to start scheduling all the dream vacations you never had time for.

In the months and years to come, you could finally enjoy that Caribbean cruise you’ve always longed for, a Norwegian fjord and Baltic cruise, literally chill out in Alaska, get a wonderful tan in Hawaii, tour the exotic Far East…the possibilities are simply endless! As a valued FFP member, you accumulate points every time you travel, whether by air, bus or train. Why, you even receive rewards points when you book a dream vacation with us! Cash the points in for a cabin upgrade or avail of extra discounts on top of our already-friendly prices for tour and vacation packages!

The choice is yours. Call us to activate the FFP card I sent you (the toll-free number is on the card itself) and you qualify for 100 starter points. And if you complete the registration before December 10th, we will reserve five slots for you, your husband, children or friends on our New Year Caribbean cruise that departs December 30. Savor the sights of Miami and Nassau while luxuriously ensconced in the ultra-modern, brand new liner, the U. S. S. Maiden of the Sea.

Every vacation you take with us is a complete package: your stateroom, six meals a day, free-flowing refreshments and cocktails, and a wonderful variety of entertainment. All you have to do is bask in the sun, bring your camera and be prepared for some serious fun. In the months to come, we will send you “early-bird” alerts for every dream vacation as it comes up. All these we give you at jaw-dropping discounts exclusive to FFP members and with the warm, caring service we are famous for. So call us to activate your FFP membership today just as soon as you’ve shared the good news with your husband!