This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Shes all the better for it. I was thinking this too. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? Dont let anyone else control your decisions. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Im breaking out in hives. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. Then ice cream after. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Youre right, though. Well-said, courtney. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. Mommy and daddy present a united front. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. Um, no. 1. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. From one mom to another. Hes putting her down. Seriously? Contact Us. When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. Skyblossom So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! It struck me the wrong way, too. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. He let us put makeup on him. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! I was so bad at the sports I was enrolled in that I would cry and beg not to go back, because I was the worst and everyone let me know it. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) It makes them feel safe. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. Absolutely. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. He. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? bittergaymark He would watch Full House or something with us. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! Good luck! I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently.