Stay busy. Life is filled with pain and I cant find the balance without my husband. The month I found out he passed I almost lost it. Death cannot kill what never dies" - William Penn. People dont understand the loss. "Love grows more tremendously full, swift, poignant, as the years multiply" - Zane Grey. Im so incredibly sad all day, everyday. Unfortunately, Im taking anti-anxiety meds on occasion to quell the freak-outs (which I dont like doing and had NEVER done before), but I seem to need them right now. They are 53 years old 50 years old and 47. As I saw him as a father, I now, looking back, think I was rather selfish and am full of remorse. So young, we promised to grow old together 10 shortyears. I am 50 years old, he passed at the age of 53. Fighting for our lives, our very existence. I lost my soulmate 23 months ago and am surprised at the intensity of my sorrow. It is very hard, being the eldest, the expectations and the norm of just dealing with parents grief is heart breaking. I hate her for that sentence. Or maybe its because the more time passes, the longer weve had to live without that person. I woke up every morning, fed my children, got them to school, then returned home and curled up in bed. I go out with my friends and volunteer but as soon as I get home I go right down. The third year I thought everything was fine. I am still hoping beyond hope and beyond reality, that Jill will magically be real again, here, in the whole, in my arms, and next to me in bed at night and in the morning. Two years now, I cannot believe it, one moment smiling and kissing me and the next lying at my feet, gone, no return, New Years Eve, it is like a nightmare that never ends. I miss her just as much as I did two years ago. I keep asking myself inside and out how can this be. just feels worse this second year coming up to xmas. Even negativity so unlike me! I felt I should have paid more attention and have found the money to pay for the tests that would have shown he needed medical treatment. I hope my jumbled messy comments can help any who think about self harm. I dont understand why! Ill say my farewell now to you all . Nellie, Im so sorry that we have to have these losses as a connection. If I could take your hurt away I would. WE PROVIDE HIGH-QUALITY VISITORS WITH: It was a rough year. We are not supposed to understand. It doesnt feel any better or easier. Changes in feeding times or even simply moving furniture around can cause further stress. I remember the 1st year being a blur. I wish I had that one more everyday. I keep praying to be taken God, Its ok, I will not be mad, I will be happy that I can finally not be so very unhappy. I dont like telling anyone how I feel because I think they My son rolled a diesel tanker and it ejected him out and rolled on him and crushed him. i struggle to find the meaning in life and wonder what the point is in trying to care about anything I feel as if nothing i do is ever going to matter to anyone and that nothing will ever be the ok again. Things are familiar, but not clear, not altogether solid. However, the helpful responses live on, and one of them was absolutely incredible. I made the decision to bottle all my emotions inside of me and sooner or later they had to come out which they did about a month ago. For a while, all you can do is float. Im working towards my PhD in Holistic health & nutrition, I run every day to keep depression at bay, practice yoga, lift weights, take walks, & I appreciate & thank God for good memories we had shared & the little beautiful moments I may experience each day, like a colorful sunset from my window or a whistling bird outside. You are not depressed and forget the damn therapy! Do not look for it, you already have it. Now Im on my second year this is August 2018. I also wonder if the fact that I just turned 60 this summer, dont have much other close family, unable to work & my life restricted by disability, pain levels & not driving, are added in to the mix. For me food was an interesting ordeal. Trying to picture myself living another 30 to 40 years without him feels impossible. This was without doubt the hardest thing Ive ever done. tiny ways is has, just very hard to move In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. I am now in month 14 and the feeling that I mentioned earlier, that in some way my purpose in life was to grieve, has begun to abate. I also have an on/off boyfriend who is a narcissist I am sure. Thank you Rachel. They always say it will get better. You are a child of the universe and have been left here for a reason. I had to sell my house I could not afford it so put it on the market 3 months after he passed, sold it and moved 6 months after my life had be turned upside down. 1. Time does not necessarily heal. I've written letters to everyone who . Any suggestions will be appreciated. These days are what made the memories so hard to deal with. So not get confused by readings and spiritual books, everything you need to know you already know AND if I get to the end of my life and there isnt anything else but being reunited graveside and no knowledge of it, I still will feel better for the illusion of togetherness than the reality of separation. There are still things in life you must accomplish. but when I am alone I just lie on the couch, cry, and feel sorry for myself. My boyfriend Michael passed away suddenly two years ago. God Bless and Congratulations on your educational pursuits. I too have some wonderful children and grandchildren but they have their own life and like Norma said until you are in the spouse club you really cant understand this lose. You are facing reality head due to your grief. I keep thinking if I pray hard enough, wish hard enough and love hard enough, he will come back to me. Psychiatrists want to put me on SSRIs and mood stabilizers because they believe I have bipolar disorder as a result of fluctuating moods. -R, I feel so sad reading your story. It will soon be my 2nd Christmas without him and IT HURTS!!! God bless you all. My throat hurt so bad, I could hardly talk. "Remembering and honoring you on this day, one year after this world lost a precious soul.". I feel I am grieving harder now then the first year after he died. Valetines. 5) Death thinks it can take you away from me. My children and 3 grandchildren miss him terribly and I try not to cry in front of them. I lost my mother Nov. 2013, my father march 2015, my stepmother feb 2016, my mother in law march 2016, my son may 2016 and his father july 2016 This is one year I will never get over. My mom passed away July 2017, 6 months later my boyfriend passed in January 2018. Scars are a testament to life. For many, the real work of grief begins in the second or third year after a loss. I keep busy and that helps but I only have to look at his photo and that starts me off! We had bought a house, were remodeling it, and then going to sell the house and move out to the country. talk about your feelings with out your child hearing but talk to your child about their feelings because that child is hurting real bad too. It is still painful, sorrowful, and lonely. This is normal feelings. It has been two and half years for me and it is not getting better some days I think it is getting worse. Finding him was torture. I stay busy. Night. I was always even keeled but now experience such unusual highs and lows. When I was 14/15 I met my bf we were friends good friends. It did get easier and the positivity was flowing for about 3 solid weeks but then the awareness that I am alone hit even harder. I just want to isolate myself so people wont try to tell me to feel better when I cant. What should be our 17th wedding anniversary is in two days. This is my second year and I am having the same thoughts. Most shy away from me because?? She was still in very good condition for her age. I will always feel his love. Im still not eating properly but am realizing how malnourished I am as well. I do hope this helps someone or anyone who is going through a really hard time. Hi everyone. I do not socialize, even at church. I speak to him every day! I know your pain I loss our Stepdaughter in January 1992 and My Mr. Lee in July 2016. But oh, the silence, the noisy silence.some might think it a relief after the long worry and caring and initially I think there was some small relief, but now I know he has really gone and I cannot escape the tormenting thoughts. We are all torn apart. I thank God daily for having given me 47yrs with such a great man. So I felt guilty I hadnt managed it, though this was complicated by Covid restrictions & my disability & health conditions. That magic one year mark does not cure your hurt. He was honestly the best thing that ever happened to me life was finally good. Im going into my 2nd year of the loss of my son August 5, w2017.. he was murdered at the age of 23. I still see you in my dreams on many nights and wish you never had to leave us. I am at the beginning of the second year since John passed. All the years of Surgery,radiation and Chemo. He embraced his few enemies He was my hero and I still miss him terribly. What signs did I miss that I should have picked up on? able to spend every minute with her. Here are 100 things that happened after my mom died. As seasons go, you would probably consider this one very dark. He passed unexpectedly while on our first trip since retiring. I have our two dogs (my puppies that keep me going). Dealing With the Loss of a Parent - WebMD I dont know why the first year I felt it was all a dream and my son wasnt really gone. We had been married 49 years, and I still have no idea how to live without him. I am an unmarried single man of 46 years Mum lived with me. My deep faith in God has sustained me and believe me this is a work in progress. Whoever said it gets easier with time lied or they didnt havetrue love or their soulmate like I did.. My heart is forever broken. I am so sorry we are are all hurting people,i have found society is not real good at knowing how to help or react to us. "To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die" - Thomas Campbell. Cashing Stimulus Checks Sent to Deceased Persons - AARP it helped and still does. I met my husband at 16 years old married at 18, we were married 41 1/2 years. Second year I basically ran, walked alone on hikes, tried to get to know the new place.